The Madness of Voyager!
by Ista of the Dreamers
Summary: Something unknown is making the guys on Voyager craaaaazy, and it's up to the women to save them! Will Janeway find the cure in time before madness takes over her ship and Voyager is lost forever?
1. The First Beginning!

Title: The Madness of Voyager  
Part 1: The First Beginning!  
Author: Ista of the Dreamers  
Rating: G-PG  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the T.V. show, Star Trek Voyager, and I did not come up with any of the show, or the other Star Trek Shows.....darn  
Stuff: I used to be a crazy fan of this show until it ended . . . And I just found this weird tale in my computer files along with all the serious ones. This being the first Voyager story I've submitted, don't be too harsh on me, but any reviews or feedback would be greatly appreciated! :) This is a story I wrote for my friends, and for the die hard fans of this great T.V. show. Thanks for reading this! I hope it makes ya laugh!   
  
The Madness of Voyager  
  
Captain Janeway was not having a very good morning. The replicators seemed to be offline when she woke up, and she had wanted a hot, steamy cup of goodness to set her morning off right. As she rode in the turbolift, grey rainclouds stormed over her head, and she frowned.  
  
Harry Kim beamed at her with his usual youthful enthusiasm that was cheerfully sickening.  
  
"Captain on the-"  
  
"Shut up!!!"  
  
The entire bridge fell into shocked silence until Kim started crying, and rushed into the nearby turbolift.  
  
"Aw, why'd you have to do that?" Paris groaned. "He was finally getting off the therapy."  
  
"I could put you in the brig," Janeway said.  
  
"Ooh, I'm scared," Paris muttered under his breath.  
  
"Could I put him in the brig?" Tuvok asked eagerly.  
  
"Shut up, pointy ears," Chakotay yelled suddenly. "I think that the captain has something to say."  
  
Actually, I don't, said Janeway. So just be quiet and let me concentrate.  
  
But, Captain-  
  
She silenced him. I'm very tired, Chakotay, and what I don't need right now is an annoying first officer telling me what to do.  
  
Paris chuckled, and Chakotay tried to punch him, but Janeway stepped between them.  
  
Mr. Tuvok, where are we?  
  
I don't know.  
  
Janeway sighed. All right, could anyone figure out what our present course is?  
  
They shook their heads.  
  
She sighed again. Does anyone really want to be here?  
  
They shook their heads, and Paris said eagerly, I want to be in the brig!  
  
You're all dismissed! Janeway shouted, and left promptly before she lost her sanity.  
  
*******************  
  
B'Ellana Torres felt like stripping off her sweaty clothes the minute she entered her cool quarters. Unfortunately, the wild grin of Tom Paris caught her eye the minute she stepped inside.  
  
"Hi there!" he said, too enthusiastically.  
  
"What are you doing in my room?" she snapped, her nerves already raw from her long day.  
  
"I just came with a present for you."  
  
Her eyes immediately softened. "Oh, you shouldn't have."  
  
"Well . . ." He shuffled his feet uncomfortably, grinning.  
  
"What is it?" she asked gently.  
  
He rolled his eyes with that crazy grin of his. "Nothing! April Fools!!!"  
  
Then he started cracking up, nearly falling over with laughter while she stood in shock.  
  
"No-No, just kidding," he said in between guffaws. "I got you a present."  
  
"Then where is it?" she said a bit more loudly, her patience thinning.  
  
"No where! April Fools!" he cracked up again, holding his laughter splitting sides. "Just kidding! Oh, you should have seen your face-'  
  
"It's getting annoying, Tom," she said without a smile, her eyes burning. "What's my present?"  
  
"Nothing!" He cracked up again, etc . . .  
  
"Tom?" she said with a smile, and signaled him to closer with her finger. He smiled idioticly as B'Ellana punched him clean and square in the face, grabbing a blanket and a change of clothes, and charging out of her room. She was going to sleep in engineering tonight.  
  
**********************  
  
Captain Kathryn Janeway couldn't sleep. In fact, Kathryn Janeway didn't sleep most nights probably because every day on average she drank about eight cups of coffee. Yep, this was Janeway, the Captain of Voyager, and a total caffeine addicted insomniac. As she tossed and turned under her sheets, her commbadge chirped, and she answered it with a quick, "Janeway here."  
  
"Captain . . ." came the dark, breathy voice on the other end.  
  
"Yes, Chakotay?" she said with an annoyed twinge of her voice. What she had wanted to say was: Go away you big jerk and leave me alone.  
  
"Captain . . . I . . . know . . . where . . . you . . . live . . ."  
  
He's hallucinating again, Janeway thought, like he does in every episode. "That's right, Commander. I'm glad you know where I live."  
  
"I'm . . . right . . . outside . . . your . . . door!"  
  
Janeway screamed, and two very large fists began pounding on the outside of her door, clawing and scraping.  
  
"Janeway to Tuvok!" she yelled over the pounding. "Send a security team to my quarters now!!"  
  
"Who?" came Tuvok's voice in her commbadge, but his voice was different. It was . . . happy!  
  
"Tuvok, can you hear me?!!"  
  
"I can hear you loud and clear, Captain! Isn't it a beautiful day?!"  
  
"What?!!" Janeway screamed.  
  
"Aww, now someone sounds like they need a hug! Why don't I just come over to cheer you up?"  
  
"Yeah . . . Janeway was temporarily distracted by the disgusting cheerfulness of the vulcan, but then she remembered why she had wanted to contact him. Yes, please come over here as soon as you can! Chakotay is trying to break into my room!  
  
There was a pause then, Well, that is not very nice at all! We need to give him a time out, don't we? I'll be over in an hour, Captain.  
  
she screamed.  
  
I have to water my tulips first. Happy Vulcan out!  
  
"Noooooooooo!" Janeway moaned, and then was dead silent as the pounding  
stopped. After a while, she opened her door to find the hallway empty. She looked both ways, and then headed to engineering to talk with B'Ellana Torres. Harry Kim passed by her and whistled, cat calling.  
  
"Excuse me, ensign?" she said, nose hairs bristling.  
  
"Owwwwohhhwowowo! Looking hot tonight, Captain! Zesty!"  
  
Janeway was going to smack him and then realized that she had better talk to B'Ellana before she did anything rash, hoping B'Ellana hadn't done something rash already.   
Yeah right.  
  
**********************  
  
Engineering was eerily quiet as Janeway stepped into it, looking at the blue glow of the warp core, and wondering where everyone was.  
  
"Hello?" she yelled crisply, listening to the echo of her own voice. "B'Ellana? Vorik?"  
  
Suddenly, the blur of an ensign swept by her, poking her in the ribs and rushing away in a flurry of giggling laughter. "Tag, you're it!"  
  
"Who did that?!" she yelled, whirling around and stamping her feet with impatience. "I demand to know who did that!" (Whoa, temper tantrum coming on!)  
  
"Tag!"  
  
"Tag!"  
  
"Tag! Catch us!"  
  
Several men darted out of the shadows and began poking her. She screamed like a wildcat, and began running away from them when someone grabbed her arm firmly.  
  
"B'Ellana!'  
  
"Captain," Torres nodded, managing a slight grin. "Good to see you. I'll get you out of here."  
  
B'Ellana took her through a small Jeffreys Tube until they came to a system of the small tunnels where several women were sitting around, talking in hushed voices, holding out their phasers to the shadows in attack positions.  
  
"It's okay," B'Ellana said to them. "The Captain's here."  
  
"Thank God," an ensign said to Janeway. "We've been wondering when you'd show up."  
  
"What's going on?" Janeway asked them. "All of the men have gone crazy!"  
  
"We've got that," Torres snapped louder than she should have. "We don't know what's wrong with them. All of the women on the ship have come here and are hiding in the Jeffreys tubes"'  
  
"I don't see Seven of Nine."  
  
Torres's face fell. "I thought that she had come with the others, but I guess she's still out there."  
  
"Computer," Janeway commanded, "please tell us the location of Seven."  
  
The Computer's female voice responded, "The poor dear is in the messhall, and you better save her quick."  
  
"Thank you, Computer!" Janeway said. "I hope that nothing has happened  
to her!"  
  
*******************  
  
Seven of Nine was consuming her daily nutritional supplement-which was actually a Slim Fast shake- in the messhall. Her day had been going as normally as it ever went, and she was feeling like doing some extra diagnostics before going to her alcoves to regenerate. Holding a computer padd, she sipped her drink and looked around to see that everyone had gone. She knew from her borg implants that it was getting late, and assumed that Neelix had gone to bed as well, until she heard the heavy breathing behind her.  
  
"What is it, Mr. Neelix?" she said, not looking up from her work.  
  
"Have you ever tried Cardanian Dovelamb?" came his eery voice behind her.  
  
"No, I do not require extra calories."  
  
"Oh, it's fat free," he hissed.  
  
She sighed. "Do you wish me to try it?"  
  
"Oh no, I want you to be in it."  
  
Seven turned around slowly to have the hairs on her neck bristle and curl. Neelix stood in front of her, a large knife in his right hand poised to stab and cut. She quickly whirled her phaser from her belt and shot him in the chest. He was out before you can say, "Seven kicks butt."  
  
Calmly, she sighed again and tapped her commbadge. "Captain, Mr. Neelix became psychotic and attacked me."  
  
"Join the club, Seven," came Janeway's hushed voice. "All of the men are being affected by something unknown. You need to meet us in the Jeffrey's tubes junction to sort things out and determine how we can gain control of the ship. Do you have any idea what might be affecting them?"  
  
Seven stood and went to the window where the silver blue globe of an anomaly glowed before her eyes. "I might have an idea, Captain, but I need to run some scans in astrometrics first."  
  
"We can't risk losing you," said Janeway. "I'll send B'Ellana to meet you there."  
  
"Very well," Seven said dryly and stepped out of the messhall to come face to face with Harry Kim.  
  
"Whoooooyaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeesiiiiiiiiiiiii!" shrieked Kim.  
  
"Okay," Seven said.  
  
But Harry burst in front of her, waving his arms, and kicking in Karate-like moves. Then he began speaking in fast Chinese, translated as, "My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!!"  
  
Seven yawned, and went up to hit him in the stomach. Kim yelled in pain, and then shouted out, "She touched me! She likes me! She touched me! She likes me!"  
  
"You are in denial," she said. "Resistance is futile." And she stunned him with a phaser until he dropped limply to the floor before you could say, "Poor Harry, he's insane."  
  
********************  
  
Janeway escorted Torres into the main hallway, glanced side to side to make sure that no one was coming, and then said quickly, "Find Seven and make sure that both of you get to astrometrics safely. Once you're there, gather the information you need and leave as soon as you can. Don't take unnecessary risks. Good luck, Lieutenant!"  
  
Torres nodded, and raced ahead, her phaser ready to strike any crazy men that came near her. She cringed as she saw the motionless figure of Harry Kim, and almost went to help him when she realized that Seven of Nine must not be far away, and sure enough, several other men were strewn over the next couple decks, unfortunate enough to get in the way of Seven's borg intelligence.  
  
"Seven!" she called to the figure ahead of her, and Seven of Nine turned around, stopping.  
  
"Wait up!" She ran towards her, and panting, said, "Glad you're okay."  
  
"I required no additional help," came Seven's emotionless tone, and continued walking.  
  
"Glad to see you too," B'Ellana grumbled as she raced to keep up with Seven.  
  
"B'Ellana!" came a familiar, now irritating voice. She groaned.  
  
"Go away, Tom," she said.  
  
Paris came bounding up beside her. "Whatcha doin'?"  
  
Seven whirled around and aimed her phaser at his chest, when B'Ellana said, "No! Wait! He hasn't done anything violent towards me yet, just annoying."  
  
Since when is that different? the human side of Seven said to herself, but said instead, "He could be useful to us as a specimen."  
  
"I can help you with your science project! My mom just helped me with mine!"  
  
"Right, Tom," said Torres, smiling and petting him on the head. "We're doing an experiment to see how long you can stay alive without opening your big fat mouth. Betcha can't do it!"  
  
"Can too!" he blurted out, and then gasped, clamped his hands over his mouth, and did not speak again, much to B'Ellana's and Seven's relief.  
  
The door in front of them opened, and the giant anomaly glowed on a screen before them.  
  
*****************************  
  
The anomaly glowed all the colors of the rainbow, beautiful and gigantic, as large as an entire solar system, and B'Ellana gasped at its beauty as she stepped into astrometrics.   
Seven brushed past her coldly, paying no attention to the fireworks show in space, and tapping in a few diagnostics on her console.  
  
"It's beautiful," Torres said.  
  
Seven nodded eventually. "The size is impressive, and unique to any anomaly I've ever seen."  
  
"Can I eat it?" Paris asked.  
  
Torres ignored him and glanced over Seven's shoulder. "That's strange."  
  
"Fascinating," Seven agreed, tapping her commbadge. "Captain, we're copying the information from the anomaly. It appears to be a gaseous anomaly, but radiating a unique combination of energy particles and . . . genetic hormones."  
  
"In English, Seven," came the Captain's encouraging voice.  
  
Torres almost laughed. "It appears to be changing certain parts of the men's DNA, mainly their minds, I'm guessing."  
  
"Just great," said Janeway sarcastically. "All right. That's enough. Come back here, and we can formulate a plan.'  
  
"Aye Cap-'  
  
"Wait, Captain!" Torres said. "We could go and get the Doctor to make a cure for this . . . anomaly."  
  
"You sure?" Janeway asked her.  
  
"Yes," B'Ellana said. "Sickbay's on the way back to the Jeffrey's tubes anyway."  
  
"I smell like a doggy," said Paris.  
  
"Who in God's name is that?!" Janeway yelled.  
  
"Oh, that's just Tom," B'Ellana said quickly. "He's annoying, but harmless. We were thinking of taking him along so the Doctor can try the vaccine on him first.'  
  
"Good idea," Janeway said. "Hurry back."  
  
They made their way to sickbay without running into any insane men, and Seven said, "Activate EMH."  
  
"State the nature of the medical emergency," the Doctor said, and then he screamed, a sound that was possibly the most frightening thing that Seven had ever heard, sort of like a pixie going through . . . oh never mind . . .   
  
Anyway, it was really scary, and then he smiled a really weird scary smile, and cried. "Is it my lovely little children?!! Let's give these little children their shots!!!!"  
  
"Deactivate EMH," Seven said smoothly, thanking herself for getting the author out of that difficult descriptive sequence.  
  
"What now?" Paris screamed. "I want my poodles and cookies!!!!"  
  
B'Ellana grabbed a hypospray and jammed it in Tom's neck, watching him collapse crisply on the floor.  
  
"Thanks," Seven said.  
  
"No problem," Torres said. "So if the Doctor isn't working because he's programmed to be a man, then that means that we need to change him into a . . . "   
  
The word would not fall out of her throat because she suddenly felt sick. Seven felt sick too.  
  
"A woman."  
  
*End of Part 1*  
  
  
Tune in next week to read the second part of this zany story: A Final Ending! and to read the epic conclusion to the crew's Present Perplexing Problem! Will the Doctor really be turned into a woman by B'Ellana? Will Tuvok finish watering his tulips while Neelix sharpens his knife?? Will Janeway finally have some decent dialogue??? Will Chakotay's true identity be revealed???? Will Seven go crazy????? Will Harry confess his love for Janeway, and will Paris finally get his poodles and cookies??????!!!  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 


	2. The Final Ending!

Title: The Madness of Voyager  
Part 1: The Final Ending!  
Author: Ista of the Dreamers  
Rating: G-PG  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the T.V. show, Star Trek Voyager, and I did not come up with any of the show, or the other Star Trek Shows.....darn  
Stuff: Wow! I've been overwhelmed with the number of reviews on this! :) Thank you so much everyone who has read this, and I hope it has made you laugh! As always, if you have any feedback/comments/or reviews, I'd love to hear from you! Thank you!  
  
The Madness of Voyager  
  
B'Ellana grimaced as she worked at the console. "Jeez, I never thought I'd have to do this to him."  
  
"Paris?"  
  
"No, the Doctor." She finished configuring the Doctor's program and managed a smile. "Well, I never pictured the Doctor wanting to get a sex change, but oh well."  
  
"Too much information," Seven said emotionlessly. "This story is dragging. Let's get some action here."  
  
"All right," Torres said. "Here goes . . ."  
  
She pressed a button, and a woman's voice said, "Please state the nature of the medical emergency if you would, dears?"  
The new hologram stood before them, hips swaying slightly. Torres could feel her jaw dropping open, and so she quickly closed it and forced herself to look at her new creation. Wearing a blue dress, high heels, and BOBBED BROWN HAIR!!!  
  
Torres could see Seven shivering through her jumpsuit at the Doctor's new face, and she eventually stepped up to him with a computer padd.  
  
"Ummmm, Doc? You probably don't notice this, but you're a woman."  
"I know, dear!" beamed the Doctora. "I know everything about what you did, and I must admit, I feel great!!"  
  
B'Ellana was screaming inside.  
  
Seven called the Captain. "Seven to Janeway."  
  
I sure hope you took away my wrinkles, said the Doctora, hands rubbing slightly on her face.  
"Janeway here."  
  
The Doctora got B'Ellana's attention. Could I trouble you for a mirror, my dear?  
  
"The Doctor seems to be stabalized, but he-um-looks different. I think that we should get going because I'm starting to get officially freaked out here."  
  
B'Ellana shuddered and pointed to a mirror along the wall. The Doctora smiled warmly and pranced over to it.  
  
"Okay," Janeway said. "Meet me back at the Jeffrey's tube junction, and we can figure out what happens next."  
  
"Pink is my favorite color," the Doctora chimed in. Why didn't you make my dress PINK?!  
  
B'Ellana was getting a headache. She grabbed the Doctor by the arm, and pulled him/her out of sickbay, Seven following close behind with the semi-awake Paris.  
  
Just then, a voice echoed through the hallways.  
  
"I'm here . . . . I'm coming to get you . . ."  
  
"That's Chakotay," Torres said with a shudder. "Let's keep going."  
  
But as she walked, she didn't see him around the corner until it was too  
late . . .   
  
*******************  
  
  
"LETS GET READY TO POLKA!!!!!!!"  
  
Seven screamed and fainted dead away. B'Ellana screamed and fainted dead away. And, yes, Paris screamed and fainted dead away. (Can you see where this is going?!) The Doctora tried to shriek and whimper a little bit, but no matter how much she tried, she couldn't. Poor guy, it just wasn't in HER programming! The Doctora sort of flopped on the floor, and looked up at Chakotay with flashing eyelashes. Chakotay just grinned a big teethy grin, and ripped off his polka shirt.  
  
"You know, you're kind of attractive with long hair."  
  
The Doctora suddenly smiled a seductive smile, and tossed his/her hair back(think Herbal Essence adds.'she's got the urge' type of stuff.') Yes! Yes!  
  
"And you're kind of nice looking too . . . umm-yeah." The Doctora quickly slipped a computer chip behind Seven's ear.  
  
Chakotay held out a hand to her/him, and said, "Come my dear, come with me to my land of polka."  
  
The Doctora almost went with him, but then turned back. "But what about these poor dears? . . . We can't just leave them here."  
"Mr. Happy Vulcan will take care of them."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Then the Doctora frowned. "What do I get if I come with you?"  
  
Chakotay sighed, rolling his eyes. "Anything you want."  
  
"You got it."  
  
"Anything you need."  
  
You got it!"  
  
"Anything at all! You got it!"  
  
"Baaaaaaabbbbbaaaaaayyyyyyy!"  
  
They skipped down the hallways to the beat of a rhythm all their own.  
  
********************  
  
Janeway sighed, turned around, sighed again, tapped her commbadge, shook her head, stood up, walked around, sat down, stood up, walked around, and sat down again. (She was bored.)  
  
"Why won't they come?" she asked no one in particular out loud. All of the other women had gone to bed, laying on blankets scrounged together from various places on the ship. No one was awake. Janeway chewed her nails, and then realized that she had to get out of the Jeffreys tubes. She wasn't normally so claustrophobic, but she needed something desperately, and that little something was her entire life. Without it, she was nothing.  
  
Coffee.  
  
She tried to reason with herself sitting in the darkness. It will probably take some time for Torres and Seven to come back, she thought. She could just take a little tiny trip to the messhall for one tiny little cup of coffee . . . and then rush right back.  
  
"Yep," Janeway said to the sleeping crewwomen as she inched her way to the opening in the tubes, as if making a prison break. "I'll be gone for just about-oh-ten seconds, so I won't be gone that long and yeah-" She zoomed out of the opening and into the hallway.  
  
She was only a couple feet away from the messhall door when she looked to her side and saw Harry Kim. He looked pretty good aside from the bruise on his cheek, and holes in his shirt. She didn't know quite what to say to him.  
  
From Seven's description, he had been pretty violent, so she took out her phaser, trying to smile.  
  
Ain't nothing gonna keep me from my cup o' Joe.  
  
"How are you, Harry?" she asked timidly. "Is everything going okay with you?"  
  
"Who's Harry?" he asked quite innocently, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. "My name's James."  
  
"James who?"  
  
"James T. Kirk."  
  
Janeway shook her head, said, "Poor little psycho," and shot him with her phaser.  
  
"Annoying, isn't he?" Neelix said, brandishing a knife. Janeway shot him too, and sighed as she replicated a cup of hot, steamy coffee; black.  
  
"Distractions, distractions," she said.  
  
************************  
  
Seven woke up to Paris licking her face. She looked at him, slapped him, and then slapped him again. She woke up B'Ellana, and the two of them started formulating a plausible story to tell to the Captain about what happened.  
  
"We could say that the modifications we made on the doctor screwed up his mind," B'Ellana suggested.  
  
"We knew that that would happen anyway," Seven said with a sigh. "I don't see what good lying to the captain is going to do."  
  
"Seven!"  
  
"Who's that?" Seven of Nine whirled around in the hallway to see nobody there.  
  
"It's me!" came the woman voice.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The Doctora!!!"  
  
"Doctor?" she exclaimed.  
  
"Who you talking to?" B'Ellana asked her.  
  
"It's the Doctor. He's talking to me."  
  
"Riiiiiight," B'Ellana said. "I guess I'm the only one sane right now but-"  
  
"Shut up! He's talking to me." Seven fingered the small chip on her neck. "He's using my implants to communicate with me! He's brilliant!!"  
  
"SHE'S brilliant," B'Ellana corrected, clearly annoyed. "Stop gushing over her and tell me what's going on."  
  
"She says that she only went with Chakotay to learn more about what is affecting the men."  
  
"But we already had Paris," Torres whined.  
  
"True," Seven said. "But the Doctora says that Chakotay is the leader it seems. She says that if the anomaly is controlling Chakotay, then she might be able to formulate a better cure."  
  
"Perfect," Torres said, throwing up her hands. "Currently, the ship has gone crazy, we're stuck with him," she indicated Paris, "and the Doctor decides to just run off and play Jane Bond. Perfect!!!"  
  
"Sarcastic comments do not better the situation, Lieutenent," Seven said calmly.  
  
"I don't care!" B'Ellana scowled, and then looked up at her. "Just what is your rank anyway?"  
  
Seven squirmed underneath her ultra tight body suit.   
  
Can somebody say, B'Ellana just touched a nerve?'  
  
"My rank is higher than yours," she said with what anyone could have mistaken for a smile.  
  
B'Ellana's look could've killed a poodle, but then it softened, broke, and she fell over on the floor laughing her head off.  
  
"What is it?" Seven shrieked, her moment of glory snatched away by B'Ellana's outburst.  
  
"Paris is drooling on your shoes!!!!"  
  
Seven slowly looked down . . .   
  
"Let's find the Captain."  
  
************************  
  
"Justonemorecup."   
  
Kathryn Janeway had just drank twenty cups of coffee . . . neeeeeeeeeed I say more?  
  
She was replicating another cup when Seven, Torres, and Paris entered the messhall.  
  
"Thank goodness we found you, Captain! No one had seen you leave, and we were sure that something terrible had happened to you.'  
  
Janeway's head clicked, and she smiled suddenly. Whyit'sverygoodofyoutoworry  
aboutmesomuchbecauseyou'resonice,bothofyou!   
  
"Captain . . ."  
"WouldyoulikesomecoffeeIjustmadesomemyselfandittastedreallygoodsoIdecidedtodrink  
somemoreandallofasuddenIfeltveryawakeandIfeltlikegoingonandonandonandonandonand-  
  
"We have one problem," Torres said.  
  
"Wouldyoulikesomecoffee?" Janeway asked again.  
  
"I'll have some," Paris said, racing up to Janeway.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!" Seven and Torres screamed.  
  
************************  
  
"So, why did we come to the messhall again?" Torres asked Seven.  
  
"It was to find the Captain," Seven said.  
  
"Right," B'Ellana said slowly.   
  
"Wouldyoulikesomecoffee,dears?" Janeway asked them yet again, eyes wide open.  
  
Seven squirmed beneath her suit. "Maybe we should take the Captain to see the Doctor as well as Mr. Paris."  
  
"Good idea," Torres said quickly. "Let's get going."  
  
They stepped outside of the messhall, and guess who was there?  
  
"I need your socks," Kim said, and he looked like a turkey that had a hernia.  
"Ican'tgiveyoumysocksbutIcangiveyousomecoffeeifyouwouldlikethatbutifyoudon'twantsomecoffeethenIcangiveyousomedecafbut-"  
  
"Stoooooooooooooooooooooop!" Kim screamed, putting his hands to his ears, and doing the macarena. "Sheeeeeeeee's killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"  
  
Then, all of a sudden, Harry Kim stopped, looked around, and said softly, "What am I doing here?"  
  
"Harry?" B'Ellana said gently. "Do you remember what happened to you?"  
  
"No," Kim said with a shrug. "I was in my quarters, and that was the last thing that I remembered."  
  
"Janeway must have cured him," Seven said, astounded.  
  
"Then why hasn't he been cured yet?" Torres said, pointing to Tom who was chasing his tail . . .  
  
Paris stopped, looked up, and grinned. "Oh, that was just an act."  
  
"You mean you were normal all this time, and you never said anything?!" Torres said, anger seething through her teeth.  
  
"Um, yeah," Paris said. "Hey, I was bored! What's a guy like me supposed to do when everyone of his own sex starts acting crazy? I thought that it was some sort of April Fools kind of thing. You know, 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do'."  
  
Torres shook her head, and pointed at him. "I'm going to have a talk with you later."  
  
"We must get going," Seven said, annoyed. "We need to save the ship."  
  
"Right," Kim said. "If we can just let Janeway talk over the loudspeaker-'  
  
"Loudspeaker?!" Torres and Seven said together.  
  
"Yeah," Kim said. "Then everything would be back to normal."  
  
"Right," Janeway said super-quickly. "Totheloudspeaker."  
  
********************  
  
The Doctora squirmed as Chakotay tickled his/her feet. He/She was just about to scream at being surrounded by so many men at one time, when:  
  
Allright,let'sgetreadytorumble,Chakotayandparty. Thisisyourcaptainspeaking. Iexpectachanceoftwentytothirtypercentofthemenfalling,screamingtheirheadsofwithfright,and  
thendoingthemacarena.  
  
All of a sudden, Chakotay, and the other men started screaming and doing the Macarena. The Doctora grinned in fascination.  
  
******************  
  
"Well, I'm glad that everything is back to normal," Janeway said on the bridge with her senior officers surrounding her. "As well as my caffeine level."  
  
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha," Paris burst out, and then shut his mouth when everyone stared at him.  
  
"I must say that being a woman for a day made my ideas of women most different," The Doctor said, now fully back to his manly self. "It was very interesting what I experienced, and I'd like to submit a full report to you, Captain, if that's all right with you."  
  
"Good night, folks," Janeway said, and pulled down the curtain.  
  
"Wait! Wait!" everyone cried. "I want to see what's in his report!!!"  
  
*The End*  
  
Authors Note: I love writing complete seriousness and complete insanity, and rarely find a chance when it is appropriate to combine the two. :) This was one of the first parodies I ever wrote, and I hope those who have read it, enjoyed it! It was a lot of fun to write, and it's even more fun to share it with people who loved the series as much as I did. I might be posting some serious fics of Voyager if I can find them, and have time to edit them, but it's been a treat! :) Thank you to EVERYONE who has read this! Thank you!  
-Ista


End file.
